Comedy

Pants? Who needs pants?

I’m going to start out slow here and ease any of my maybe new followers into my “crazy”. I figure I don’t want to lose you just as we are getting started.

What better way to do that, than with the time I had a fender bender while not wearing pants?

Now, pants are normally a necessity for anyone. And I too consider them to be needed when you’re leaving home for anything. A bra? Nah. Shoes? Also, nah. But pants are a given. I sometimes think rationally and wonder “If I were to get arrested today, is this what I want to be seen like on the side of the road in cuffs?”. If the answer is no, I’ll take an extra five minutes.

But this day, I just didn’t have 5 more minutes to spare. With four kids, who really does?

It’s 7:36 am.

At the time I had two kids in school, one who was just shy of 2, and a 7 month old. Our mornings have never been easy, but when I added those two under two, they definitely got a lot harder.

My husband is usually the one to manage mornings and school drop off, but he had been working 12 hour night shifts and wasn’t home in time to get them to school at an acceptable time.

I’m really not one who likes to follow a schedule. I think having to be at school by 7:45am is an absolute joke and whoever made that rule should burn in the feiry pits, but who am I?

I’ve also had what they call “campus court” twice in my career as a mom. So being late at the beginning of the new school year wasn’t really something that was acceptable. New year, new me. Right?

So back to our morning…

We wake up (late of course) and do the usual scream until everyone cries routine.

That almost always consists of not being able to find a matching shoe, crying uncontrollably because your sock feels funny, slap fights over the bumps in your pony tail, etc.

It’s 7:41 am.

Everyone is somewhat put together, poptarts flying, heading to the car.

The baby, my sweet sweet baby, does this weird gaggy gurgle sound that I’ve never heard from any creature before. I continue to buckle her in her seat (because no matter how late you are, safety first). However, I shouldn’t have done that. I pick up the seat to herd the other fools to the car and here it comes. The most God awful puke of all pukes. Straight out of the seat all down my pants. It didn’t even touch her. She smiled the happiest little smile, as she was so content with herself and what she’d just done. How could you be mad at this little face though? JK. I was mad.

So what do I do? Knowing she’s OK, I take off my pants. In my mind, I’m going to click her seat in the base, buckle the bigger baby in, and run right back in to grab a new pair of pants, hop in and ride out.

We only lived like 4 minutes from the school and most times the resource officer who stands at the doors would see me coming in hot on two wheels and wait another 3 seconds to shut the doors. So I thought I had time.

But, I forgot the pants.

But I do have shoes. Winning.

I just hopped in after getting everyone restrained, and went right on.

Thankfully, we get there with 2ish minutes to spare. I’m not the only one because the line is pretty decent and I get to take a breath.

Just as I let out that much needed breath, I feel the jolt.

Someone had rear-ended me.

Not just a little either.

I look in my rear view and see the man shaking his head and starting to get out of his car. I quickly roll down my window to motion to him it’s no big deal. The last thing I wanted him to do was come to my window and see I had on no pants.

But that didn’t stop him. On he marched. Straight to my window. I crack it, reluctantly. He says how sorry he is and he doesn’t believe there is any damage to my car.

I tell him it’s not a problem, I just need to get the kids to the door before they are late and not to even worry about it. I don’t know for sure that he noticed I was pant-less. My stomach roll could have been hiding small shorts underneath.

But regardless, he didn’t mention it.

The kids ended up being on time that day, with minimal damage to my car, and only a small blow to my ego.

Valuable lessons can be learned here. If for any reason you’re running late, don’t forget your pants. You may need them. I now keep a spare pair of pants in my car for this reason. I haven’t needed them yet, but one day I may.

2 thoughts on “Pants? Who needs pants?”

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