Comedy

Anus blessings & consenting lemons

Happy friday! My babies and I had a beautiful day. After a cozy and comfortable night in the Family Bed (nothing like sleeping with your three-year-old releasing farts into your face all night #anusblessing). We spent the entire day making dandelion kombucha for the less fortunate/conscious.

My kids don’t like sugar, they say it tastes like broken hearts feel, but we decided to sweeten the kombucha with a little organic raw Manuka honey and 2/3 of a wooden cup of my hindmilk. It’s a gorgeous cloudy amber color and I’m sure the children at the local public elementary school (prison) will love it once it’s done fermenting in our backyard yurt.

After we finished brewing, we foraged through the forest behind our home for wild baby arugula and made a delicious Family Salad with my homemade vinaigrette. The recipe was given to me during a hallucination by a long deceased Tibetan monk as I was passing the shoulders of my firstborn during his unassisted homebirth.

Recipe: 1/3 cup of homemade apple cider vinegar harvested during an even numbered year. Blend with 1/3 cup of fresh-pressed vernix oil. If you haven’t recently given birth, sunflower oil will do. Blend with the juice from three consenting lemons.Add 1/2 teaspoon of Himalayan or Dead Sea salt from a GLASS container. Gently toss in chopped basil from your garden only if you have your soil regularly tested for both chemicals and emotional stress.

My children gobbled up their salads and fell asleep in a pile in front of the hearth. While they napped, I worked on a small knitting project (their winter wardrobe).

I’m putting the finishing touches on dinner right now. Tonight we’re enjoying grain-free yam/coconut flour noodles that I hand rolled and cut at 4am this morning after praying over my sleeping children (it’s part of my daily routine).

Instead of cheese, which is made from pus-filled post-pregnancy fluids stolen from wild beasts, I opted for a savory blend of nutritional yeast, turmeric, oak tree shavings, and for flavor, colostrum butter. I decided to add a loaf of vegan ‘ham’ to this batch. We like to call it ‘Vam’.

When my children saw that I was making their favorite dish, they were moved to tears and immediately embraced me in a tight Mother Child Hug. My four-year-old put his small but advanced hands in mine and said between grateful sobs, “I don’t deserve you, goddess.” We’re working on his self-worth.

If you’d like the recipe, you can find it on my Pinterest board entitled, “Know Better, Do Better.”

Ok, I’ve used up my five minutes of screen time for the month and need to be present with my blessings. I hope you have a wonderful media-free weekend with your family.

Remember, they only get one childhood and one immune system. Protect it. Nurture it. Turmeric it.

I love you all.
#blessed

This wonderful life we are living is fully 100% supported and absolutely encouraged by my amazing mother Kimberly. Without her pure and natural guidance I wouldn’t be half of the superb, super attached, peaceful mother I am today.

Also, just kidding. This is spam and macaroni and I screamed at my kids more than four times today.

Two of them have been on some type of screen for the majority of the day, and after our dental visit this morning I’ve learned they must not know how to brush their teeth properly. (#momoftheyear)

Oh and one of them RAN OVER her ownself with a bicycle. But how?

Bunmi is also my hero.

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